I'm Moving!

Ultimate sadface on a stick, you guys. I'm moving. Leaving this old town for a new city. A big city with all the lights and flashy junk. A whole new state. Didn't think it was for sure, but now it's for serious. I sound like a teenager when I type like this so I'm going to freakin stop.

Seriously, I'm moving soon. It all depends on how soon my mother can find a new job in the city...but by the end of December, I will no longer be a resident of North Carolina. My life will move onward to Virginia. For security purposes, I will not mention what part of North Carolina I live in nor will I tell you what part of Virginia I will reside within, but I am moving.

It's never fun to move away from a place you're so used to. I grew up here. Ended my final year of Elementary school and went through middle and high school here. I had my firsts and lasts here. The most important in the entire world to me were met here.

So why am I so excited?

I should be really sad, but I see this move as something great for me. A real chance to start over a second time. I had my chance to completely reconstruct myself in going to a college where only two of my fellow graduates attend, but now I get to move away from all the pains and drama of this old town. This is good for me. No more worrying about running into the undesirables when I go out or go to work. A chance to explore another big city (I used to live outside of Atlanta)

Anyway, I'll still attend college in North Carolina and will eventually get my own place probably close to school when I find a job that can support me enough to pay my own bills. Right now I'm living off minimum wage which isn't cutting it but it's so difficult to find something else when you're just a student without a complete college education.

I'm sure this won't make anyone sadskis, but I just had to write about it.

Counting down to move out day...

Checklist

1. Manage to work during the school year.

2. Clean my God-awful room.

3. Do better...just...do better.

4. Fix my face so I don't look so intense all the time.

5. Get the courage to get that Naima mohawk.

6. Go on a date with a nice guy.

7. Actually do something other than work this summer.

8. Did I mention that I need to clean?

9. Dye my hair another awkward color.

10. Emphasis on #6

One of THOSE Days...

Do you ever just get those days where you couldn't give a flying fuck about anything? A day where you realize that you're working way too hard to keep people around or worry yourself over work too much or staying in touch with that one friend that never bothers to call?

I'm having a I don't give a fuck week.

It's because I haven't slept a full night in two and a half years, I continuously worry about how the fuck I'm going to stay in school because of money, I have a shit ass job that pays shit ass wage, I've been single without a single date or fling for almost three years, my eyesight is getting worse, I'm really fucking awkward, I care too much and I just wish I could impress everyone, I see my friends once in a damn blue moon, I'll never travel because I'm poor and busy, my room is a disaster and I'm too damn lazy to clean, I have to move to fucking Virginia away from everything and people I know, I hate myself for complaining, I can't sleep at night because I'm always worried about something, my best friend and I are growing distant and it really sucks, and I'm fat and unmotivated to try and lose weight.

...and you know what? I don't give a fuck. I'm so fed up that fed up is going out of style...and I probably have no reason to be, I just let shit build up until it bugs me so bad that I have to rage.

And I know I'll get annoyed when I post this to Facebook because everyone will comment on the damn link and not the blog itself...even though you have to physically click the thrice damned link to read the twice damned blog and the comment box is right the fuck below it, you all choose to go BACK to Facebook and comment on the link.

I don't know what that bothers me. It just does. I'm not calling anyone out, don't get all dramatic and post "anonymous" posts about me because you hate yourself, that's the job of my stalker and we all know that the stalker is seasonal, and by seasonal I mean whenever Stalker McGee gets bored with life and wants something to fuck up...like my life, for instance.

I don't give a fuck. Fuckit, I'm salty as salty gets. I'm going to bed.

Sleep

I had a blog to post about sleep and how I don't get any of it but I'm much too similar to the likeliness of a zombie to even come up with some witty blogpost for you all to read and put your two cents into.

So as simply as I can type it, I am really really tired...GOD WHY WON'T YOU LET ME SLEEP!?

What Comes After?

Naturally I was indulging in some sweet sweet tunes by none other than Brand New (one of my all time favorite bands) and listening to the song Jesus Christ, I almost had a panic attack. The line Jesus Christ I'm not afraid to die, but I'm a little afraid of what comes after...scares the shit out of me...

Now, this is where the religion thing comes into play and me questioning things happens, so if you going to lecture me on how blah blah blah Jesus, God, blah...just do everyone a favor and don't.

I do think that I am religious, spiritually speaking...but I tend to overthink things. I tend to hear something and think about it...and dwell, and think, and pontificate and think think think think...

What does come after? Do I really believe that there is a kingdom in which I shall be rewarded for being a good person. Is there really a place that people go once judged by this divine being? Will I fall into the bowels of the Earth and burn for eternity for being horrible? My thing is this...if God forgives, why is there a Hell? Why would a person go to a place to suffer if Jesus died for our sins? Wouldn't all be forgiven if we repent?

My point isn't necessarily the distinction between Heaven and Hell and glory and suffering...I'm more focused on the actual death part of the end of days.

I'm not afraid to die, just like the lines in the song, I'm not. In fact, I feel that when my time comes, I'll be so ready to move onto different things that I'll go willingly with no pause. I'm more afraid of what comes after. My biggest fear is that of loss of thought. If the mind cannot think, the mind cannot remember, if I cannot remember or think, I do not exist. I guess in reality I'm actually afraid of not existing. The thought of just...not being there anymore mentally scares me. A body still exists. It lies in a casket peacefully as if sleeping. I've been to many a funeral and wake to know this.

Going to funerals scares me too. It's the fact that the person there, lain inside this casket doesn't exist mentally any longer. When a person loses that part of them, I fear it. Where does the mind go? Where?

I will never know my answers until my time comes...and I'm scared.

Drive

I really enjoy driving alone. It's the calmness I feel, it's knowing that I'm in complete and utter solitude. No one can possibly interrupt my time with myself if I'm still moving. As long as I keep driving, keep the wheels turning, I am free from the busy buzz of all things social. I don't have to answer the next phone call of a customer asking what time we close and I don't have to worry about text messages - the phone is in the bottom of the purse, on silent, slung into the backseat...forgotten.I sit comfortably at the wheel with the soft sound of the engine humming, the wind whooshing through the open windows and sunroof as the radio plays my favorite track off an Avett Brothers album...and I just go. I don't need a destination, the tank is full.

The best part about living in this small town is that I can drive just about anywhere and there is a long and curvy country road begging me to ride at about 45 down it...where trees and road seem to blur together and the sky always seems to be that much brighter.

Oh, and driving at night. Around here, stars actually exist. Those twinkling diamonds in the sky? Yeah, there's billions and billions of them here. You don't have to take astronomy at school and sit in another boring simulated stargaze in the planetarium to see them anymore. Oh how they light of the sky! Sometimes I just could stop and watch the sky out of the sunroof of my car at nighttime. Something about the way stars twinkle intrigue me.

One day, I'm going to drive...and drive...and drive...keep driving and never

ever

ever

EVER

....come back home again.

Simply Put Wachovia Sucks

The WORST idea for banking is with Wachovia. They not only messed my account up once but about five times. How hard is it to first cancel a stolen/lost debit and issue a new one? Really hard if you're Wachovia. Somehow in all this mess my account has money taken from it until I was HUNDREDS of dollars in debt, my account was linked to my parent's accounts twice without my information or consent (and they have no access to my account whatsoever), my new debit card wasn't sent, they sent my debit card with my dad's name on it, they sent my dad another debit card for his account with my name on it, and now, after going to the bank more than I can stomach, they agreed to send me my new debit card with my name on it with express overnight rush delivery and it's been two days since they told me that.

Two days later, I'm stuck in my house waiting by the door so I can sign for a card that is taking a month to get to me.

If you need a bank account, go with anyone but Wachovia. Wachovia sucks so much and I seriously want my fucking card right the fuck now.

Overheard is OVER

Sorry guys, I simply can't continue my overheard at work blogs. I can't bring myself to stay so angry, and believe me I've tried to...but I simply can't.

I'm glad you all found pleasure in reading them but I'm really not up for it anymore. I can't be serious and angry like that at the same time and I don't want people to think that I'm a grumpy kind of girl.

Keep reading my blog though! I am interesting when I try to be...unless you only read to laugh at my unfortunate events, then stop reading.

That's all.

Life Decisions

I tend to think more when it's early in the morning and I'm sleep deprived. It's just how I am. I've come to terms with the fact that I will not be getting any sleep whatsoever this entire summer because I'm unable to even become drowsy before sunrise. Running on three hours of sleep is pretty much my middle name at this point.

I've been doing some serious thinking about what I really want to do with my life after college. I feel as if I'm falling behind and I know it's a guilty feels seeing as I'm in the position I am in today - I go to a great college and make reasonable grades, yet I still feel behind or like something is seriously missing in my life. I want to accomplish things beyond my reach, it seems and I've been trying to figure out ways to accomplish such goals.

I want to be the one that travels and partakes in amazing things like international volunteer work or teaching in another country or just plain travel. I don't want to be the one watching my friends and other people do amazing things while I work a dead end job that pays me mediocre minimum wage. I want to join these people doing great things! AH, if money wasn't my issue! I would accomplish the unthinkable, go places and do things that people (like me) only dream of. Alas, it always is and will be the core of things stopping me from travel and other various things in life...isn't it everyone's issue these days?

So many thoughts have been running through my head as to what I can honestly do with myself. Am I really happy with my life's choices? I know that I do love music and I would give anything to be the best teacher I can possibly be, but am I ready to settle into my day to day boring life right out of college?

No. I'm really not...at least I'm convinced I won't be.

It's a big decision, but I've been looking into joining the Peace Corps. I find myself, every night, on the website reading through the experiences of others and wishing I could be part of that. I

can learn from other people from different places and experience the rich cultures of so many countries. I'd be part of something bigger than me just doing things that I've only wished to accomplish in my lifetime. I'll be introduced to the life these people lead, no sugar coating or fancy tourist-type stuff. The real deal.

This might possibly be the answer to that missing part of me. Maybe this whole grad-school thing can just wait. I mean, I have my entire life ahead of me...and I certainly won't have the money to anyway. If I'm going to be a poor bum, why not do something with my lazy ass instead of working a dead end job? I'm sick of ice cream anyway, I can't be a stupid ice cream scooper for the rest of my life...I'll die of pure anger and annoyance! OR maybe I could do the whole school thing and join before starting a full time job. Who knows, maybe I can find my identity in another country and settle there? There are certainly billions of possibilities and I want to consider them.

I think this is a good start for me. I have a lot of things to take into consideration before making such a big decision and I'll also have to talk to my family about my choices, but I really think that getting out of here is best for me at this point. I'm too young to settle down and be boring. I need adventure and I need to do something for someone other than myself for a change.

I really think I'm on to something here...

Overheard at Work 9

I'm starting to get tired of doing these, but whatever

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Ok, I work here. Why are you listing off every ingredient in every ice cream you order? I know what the hell you're talking about. "Sinless sans-fat 982% less sugar white colored sweet cream please" bitch just point and say that one like everyone else. It's in a freakin corner by itself.

Why must you show me with your hands how small or large you want something with your hands? I mean I know what I'm doing, you don't have to show me.

No I haven't tried everything on the menu, do you honestly think I enjoy heart attacks?

Damnit. PICK WHAT THE HELL YOU WANT MIXED IN YOUR ICE CREAM BEFORE I SCREAM!

What I Think of Myself

Someone asked me what I thought of myself today and it really made me think.

What DO I think of myself?

Well I think I'm too nice in person. It's so easy to rage and rage on these blogs, screaming at no one in particular. It's so easy to be so very angry, but in real life I'm completely opposite. I let people push me around and treat me like crap all the time. It's really sad that I can't be that tough jerk I portray online...

I think that I have a knack for loving crappy music. You say crappy and I say favorite band. I'm in love with everything from hardcore to bluegrass to folk to metal to pop to rap (meh, maybe). I'll sit in my room and jam out to reggae metal rather than listen to the radio's latest shitty Ke$ha song.

I'm really boring. In my free time I don't go party it up, I don't go out ever really. I sit at home and I read a book or watch television. I've started running on the tredmill but I'm still fat. When I'm invited somewhere, I usually turn it down because I like to avoid awkward moments which leads to...

...I'm really very awkward. I don't know what to say or how to act in many situations. I hate sitting there awkwardly hoping that I'm not making an ass out of myself.

Attractive people make me feel fat. I don't know why, they just do. Actually, scratch that, all my friends make me feel fat. I just get a weird sense of insecurity when I'm around everyone. It's nothing they do to me, it's just I'm more aware of myself when they're not.

I think that when I'm talking, I tell too much. Sometimes I just talk and talk and I don't think about what I'm saying.

I think I have too little of a tolerance and I'm terrible at hiding it. People can really tell when I'm annoyed just by looking at me.

I don't think I'm attractive. I think that I'm pretty much the epitome of frumpy and non-stylish. I don't wear makeup, I don't dress up, when I go out I normally wear whatever I find that's clean...matching or not. My hair is always bushy and my eyebrows are even worse. This is why I'm still single.

I'm a slob. My room is never clean. My desk is never clean. Clothes and shoes are always everywhere. Discarded artwork and other various papers littler my floor at all times. My roommate is an angel for dealing with looking at my shitpile everyday.

I am always broke. I never have money, but if I can, I'll offer you every last dime of what I've got.

I think I care about the happiness of others more than I care about my own happiness.

I hate to talk about what's wrong with me because I think I'm complaining too much...therefore people complain to me about their issues and I'm too nice to tell them to fuck off. It's ok. I like to help in any way I can.

I curse too fucking much. I have a temper. I cry alone when I get angry or sad, I hate to cry in front of someone else. I'm pretty sure my closest friends are the only ones that have witnessed me crying more than once. Even my roommate has probably only seen me cry once...that was a death of a very dear friend of mine.

I think that I really do have great ambitions, it's just that the more I try to reach my goals, the more I fail. People think that I'm so successful, but really, ever since I got to college, I've been fighting for my fucking life to keep up. I'm trying so hard and it's really depressing when I get grades back then getting bitched out by my advisors and parents. I'm trying. I really am.

There. That's what I think of myself.

10 Items or Less

So I've seen a few other blogs and vlogs where people tell the world what they like or what they don't like. Usually they list out like a billion of them, but here's both (10 items or less):

Things I Like

Cute boys that smell good

There's nothing like a really attractive guy, right? But to be really attractive AND smell good. Well good lord, boy, you are winning on so many levels. I don't know if you guys know or not, but smelling good brings your attractive level up at least 50pts. You guys really know how to make a sista swoon. Especially hugging a really hot guy that smells good. Not to be creepy or anything, but DAMN, don't let go! I want this hug to last at least 3 more mins!

Drawing

If there is one thing in life that I wish I could just do all the time is drawing/painting anything!

MY dream job has always been to work for Disney animation studios. I remember being a little girl and going to Disney World and seeing the animators sit at their desks just drawing. I remember wanting so badly to just go sit with them and watch them as they drew...hoping that one day I would be as talented as they were. I love to draw so much. I think that over the years it's something that I successfully have bettered myself with. Now, I draw tattoos/t-shirt designs and random sketches. I love what I do and I'm so happy other people enjoy it as well! ((the photo shown is MY artwork for a tattoo I drew for a friend))

Music and Education

Of course I love music, who honestly doesn't? The difference for me is the educational value. Music is life for me. It's what I'm studying in college and it's going to be a huge part of my life until the day I die. I find that music within itself has the capability to change moods, and on a larger level it changes lives. Too often do I visit that old high school of mine and see kids in the music (and arts) program(s) just to keep out of trouble or to avoid going home to whatever bad situation they are in. I hope that one day I can be that teacher or professor in a child's life that can help change the outcome for the better.

Things I HATE

Ignorance

This goes for racism mostly, but can also be defined as uneducated and just plain stupidity. Education is free from age 4 until age 21 (if you can't seem to pass 12th grade) It isn't and shouldn't be hard to get at least a gradeschool education. And racism? COME ON! It's 2010, get with the times. Slavery was abolished years and years and years ago man. Shut the hell up and fuck off with your stupid shit.

Grammatical Error and other various language stupidity

Please for the love of Mary, Joseph, and Jesus Christ use correct grammar. When typing to me, you better not say "me no like you" or "gurl wuz gud" It pisses me the fuck off. So much so that I underlined this section and made the font bigger. I really really HATE when people don't speak intelligently to me. It makes you sound like a dumbass and I'm not amused by it at all.

That goes for the use of:

your/you're

its/it's

there/their/they're

Please, do speak properly. It almost makes me twitch to see such imporper use of grammar and language. English teachers don't get paid shitty wages and deal with your stupid ass kids for 13 years of grade school (yes 13 including kindergarten) for them/you to speak stupidly. BE EDUCATED IT'S COOL TO BE SMART, TRUST ME!

Rude

I hate people that are just plain mean without reason. You sit there and you agonize others and it pisses me off. People like you just need to get a hobby/job and a life.

Abuse

I hate people that abuse others. Physically and mentally. You're just picking on someone else because you're unhappy with your own life. Get the fuck off everyone else's case and fix yourself you stupid prick.

Overheard at Work 8

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY//JUNE!!!

...let's take this day to recognize the hard work and dedication our armed forces have contributed to all of us. Support and appreciate them because they do this for all of us as a country!

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It seems to me that people have trouble reading. Ok, I understand that our store has some of the stupidest fucking names for ice cream, but really:

• chokolatekake doesn't spell "choc-o-latta"
• doughn't doesn't spell "doughnut" (you're already saying "dough" in it, where the hell did you get nut?"
• fantasy (as in cheesecake fantasy) doesn't spell "factory"
• rendezvous doesn't spell "ren-dezzy-vox" COME ONE rendezvous is an actual word.
• remix (as in birthday cake remix) doesn't spell out "birthday party dj remix cake" really?

Don't come in and tell me you've never been here before and you have no idea what to do. There's a giant ass menu with giant ass prices and giant ass descriptions in giant ass reds and whites for your giant ass to read. If that's too hard for you, there's a website on the giant ass world wide web with every fucking flavor and topping and calories and what-have-you to look at before you march your happy ass into our store.

Ok, sometimes I feel like we're the only fucking place in the world that people are allowed to taste every damn flavor. You can't sit there with your stupid face and tell me you've never has chocolate or vanilla or strawberry ice cream before. Why are you tasting them, you're just annoying the piss out of me. Go home.

People that come in literally a min. before we close piss me off. You are the people that taste everything and get a complicated milkshake in the end.

Dear family of Nascar fans. There is a line out the door. You are tasting every flavor and letting your newborn son order his food. Girl bye. You need to get your spoiled fucking bastard child a damn cotton candy with gummy bears and sprinkles (because that's what he'll order after saying 1929030230 different combinations) and get the fuck on down the line before I explode and shower your life with various swear words.

I'm not in high school. I don't know when school is out for them and I don't care when graduation is. I haven't been in high school going on three years now. Please tell me what you want mixed in your damn ice cream so I can go back to never talking to you again.

We don't lick the stone. Why are you asking us what would happen if we licked the stone? Why? If we licked the stone you would sue us or complain. Why in the name of Mary, Joseph, and Jesus Christ would you ask me that question?

Don't ask me why I'm working on a holiday, it's clearly because I'm on the schedule. Do you WANT me to put down your waffle cone and walk out on you? Because if you really want me to, I will.