For This Rainy Day

Click this link Rainy Mood (if it isn't already raining where you are)

Open this link in another tab Philip Glass' Glassworks (already linked on Endless YouTube)

Enjoy your evening.

America: Home of the Corrupt

If you pass the North Korean border illegally, you receive 12 years of hard labor.

If you pass the Afghan border illegally, you'll get shot on point.

BUT

If you pass the USA border illegally you get a job, driver's license, allowance for a place to live, health care, education, billions of our tax money spent on you while people like me who were BORN HERE still struggle to pay for even one semester of college.

We are required to carry passports in other countries or we face jail time, or worse, death.

Now tell me...what's wrong with this picture?

I'm Haunted

It's been about three years now, hasn't it? Three birthdays we've celebrated without her...three passing anniversaries spent in mourn...three Christmases and Thanksgivings without her laugh.

I am still haunted.

These mornings that I find myself sitting awake until 4...5...6am...I think. I think so much that

it's killing me. I think about the what if's and the

why's...I think about what I could h

ave possibly done differently. I don't blame myself for her not being here anymore, it was her time...I get it. I blame myself for being an ungrateful brat that took her life for granted.

It's never a good day to be diagnosed with the most hateful, most relentless disease know to man...Cancer. Slow, painful...no cure...no mercy. Everyone suffers. It's never a good day to find yourself, yet again, in a hospital crying in the waiting room...begging, praying for good news from the latest episode. I was never prepared for losing her.

She was everything that I wanted to be when I grew up. She was kind, sweet, tender-hearted. She was a person that everyone should aim to be.

Until her very last moments she gave anything, everything she had to mak

e the ones around her happy. Even strangers. Even in Hospice she would offer her last meals up to whoever was hungry.

I am so ungrateful and I hate myself every single waking day for it...

I remember being that typical teenage kid going to the movies with grandma....I used to be so ashamed. She had such a hard time understanding how to simply ask for three tickets at the box office. America was never her native home...English was never her native language...I remember going to the pool and she would slap on this thick layer of sunblock so thick that her skin remained white from the lotion...and being embarrassed...who the hell am I to judge?

I remember getting my first cell phone and getting phone calls at least once a week right before I went to sleep from her...

Good night, Punkini, (yes I remember, that's what she called me) I love you so so much. You're going to have a great day tomorrow and I hope that I see you soon...

Sweet dreams, Punkini, I love you and I'm always so proud of you from everything you do.

Yes, yes. I remember. For almost three years I pushed those calls, those moments into the back of my mind so that I could stop hurting so much...so that I could actually be a peace and not cry anymore. She was so proud of her grandchildren and children. She loved so much that the very Earth was a better place when she lived. Days were sunnier, nights were filled with the brightest stars. She made the world a better place.

...and so here I am, again, crying to myself at 4am...wondering why she was taken from us. She hadn't even hit the age of 60 yet. I never understood why the good people we

re the ones that suffered the most in life.

I still have her picture up on my mirror. Just to remind myself who I want to model my life after.

I'm rambling on and on and I probably won't proof read this before posting because I don't want to read this ever again. I needed to get this heavy feeling off my chest and move on.

Ever lost someone close to you? It never EVER gets easier. Time doesn't heal this wound. You move on with life, sure, but when you think about it, you still cry. You still have that ache in your heart. You still miss that person more than anything in the entire world and you will never ever be able to forget or forgive yourself. At least I can't seem to get past it. I find myself venturing out to her grave site...sitting in front of her headstone and just weeping. She's not coming back. Why can't I get that through my head after all these years?

I'm not haunted by her memory...I'm haunted by myself. I'm stuck with myself at all hours of the day...stuck with my thoughts, memories...I'm being haunted by myself and I can't escape...

I've Come to Realize

I've come to realize that people always change...around here that just means that you get fat, you get pregnant, or both.

I've come to realize that everyone has his or her own way of dealing with life's obstacles. Sometimes I disagree with chosen means of dealing, but I will never hold that against any of you if it works in your favor.

I've come to realize that after almost three years of silence, your voice sounds just the same as I remember it all the way back in middle school when we watch cartoons over the phone with one another...eating cereal out of large mixing bowls with ladles.

I've come to realize that I have, in fact, had the same haircut for almost 7 years now.

I've come to realize that some people you will never ever EVER get along with and life will go on.

I've come to realize that everyone on this planet is crazy in some way, shape, or form.

I've come to realize that I will always fight to stay in school even though they told me that if I work hard it won't be a problem.

I've come to realize that everyone lies.

I've come to realize that even though my relationship with my family isn't very strong, it makes me a strong person anyway.

I've come to realize that majority of women these days are completely stupid and naive if they think for even a second that condoms only block STDs and that pregnancy is very real and happens to 99% of everyone in this God forsaken part of the state.

I've come to realize that people talk to me because I actually listen to them even if I don't want to.

I've come to realize that I think more when it's 4am

I've come to realize that I still miss my grandmother and I'm breaking from this blog to write a blog about her

I've come to realize that I cry the most them I am angry rather than sad

I've come to realize that I have no secrets

I've come to realize the intensity of awkward I am capable of creating.

I've come to realize that I will always be fat

I've come to realize that I don't give a damn

I've come to realize that I curse way too much

I've come to realize that it's going to be a rough time trying to get me to love anyone anytime soon. Period.

I've come to realize that I am not perfect and that I embrace my flaws.

I've come to realize that I honestly do, without a doubt, have a lot to be proud of and that no one can ever take that away from me.

Grammar Nazi

I'm a pompous bitch when it comes to the correct usage of the English language and grammar. I admit that I'm guilty of misusing it myself, but under many circumstances people do it on purpose!

Seriously. How can you honestly make a mistake as bad as this sentence:

Ay3 ma, wh3n yu tryna hitt m3 up fo a date o $umfin? I gotta car an $um ga$.

Um...no. Sorry. That's a message I got from some complete and total stranger. What in the flying flipper fucking shit is that?

Here's a cute little lesson for simple mistakes.

• Numbers and symbols do not exist to complete words. They exist to indicate NUMBERS and SYMBOLS.
• For the sake of God's green Earth, learn how to use your/you're, there/they're/their, and it's/its.
• Spelling isn't very hard to correct. In fact, every single fucking computer on the face of the planet has a spell checker. My computer even checks spelling when typing anything on any website. The little red lines beneath a word don't mean HEY YOU'RE FUCKING COOL FOR USING THAT WORD! They mean that you're a dumb fucking thunder cunt for spelling that incorrectly.
• Face it white boy/girl. Even when you type like a douche, that still doesn't make you black or cool. Jesus Christ on a bike.

I absolutely can't stand when people purposely act ignorant. I really can't. You have to think harder to be stupid if you're typing like that in the first place?! Holy shit on an alter, you guys. Why can't you use that extra brain power to get a fucking clue?

AUGH!

I could go on and on forever on how badly this pisses me off, but I think I've made my point.

Dumbasses.

What SHOULD Be Easy

What SHOULD be easy is coming to work and doing your damn job. I understand a few slip-ups or a mistake or two, but what I'm sick as shit of is people not doing their part. I get so tired of rolling into my MINIMUM WAGE job dealing, not only with shit ass customers and their pissy attitudes, but I also have to deal with a lot of my co-workers dumping their problems onto one another.

I'm not a baby sitter nor am I your maid. I'm so tired of covering up everyone else's mess at work and I'm tired of people fucking up because they're not in a coherent state of mind. You have a job to do. Fucking kids like all of you never really fully understand the importance of holding a job. You take it for granted while there are grown ass men and women out there struggling to find a way to make ends meet.

You sit there and complain when you are told to do your job. If you don't want to help a customer, by all means QUIT! I mean damn. I'm so sick of people coming into work expecting to sit around and make everyone else work for you. The real world doesn't pay you to sit on your ass, CHILDREN.

I'm so nice to all of you and I try so hard to maintain a level of professional behavior, but damn...you guys HAVE GOT to get your shit together and quick.

God.

My Brain at 2:38am

It is quite cold in my room and I'm not wearing suitable pants for this winter weather I am experiencing in this very room.

My tooth just exploded in many a ouchie when I bit into a specifically rude bit of ice from my drink. It hurts just enough for me to consider punching a fruit fly in the face.

I've decided that I won't be eating at Cookout again for a very long time because of the intensity of this food poisoning I have unhappily received from their chicken and fries.

I'm sitting the floor in the middle of my bedroom with a bowl of ice, my laptop, a lot of paper, watercolors, and a camera. What the eff am I doing.

I realize that I haven't legitimately kissed a guy in three years.

I realize that last statement is probably the most pathetic statement of the year.

I'm so pathetic sometimes that I deserve an award.

I wish the hairy legs and armpits could be acceptable for women sometimes. I really do detest shaving but I do it anyway to conform to society's demands of me.

I suck so hard at drawing these days which is why I haven't produced anything magical. I'm sorry to those I'm drawing tattoos for...I've just hit a dry spell and I can't seem to find a muse.

I wish I were skinnier because I really like this shirt I found in my closet. Scratch that...I wish my boobs were smaller...the shirt fits everything except my wide ass chest.

My eyebrows have a mind of their own and if I don't trim them every three days they tend to crawl across my face like roaming things.

I should have been a witty British girl because of my lack of humor.

I also should have been a white woman in the 1920s because of my music taste these days.

I never ever sleep.

I sleep text when I'm awake past 3am and woken up before 2pm.

I won't ever impress men because once they meet me I'm like one of the guys or I'm just that chubby girl with the hot friends that could possibly get you the hookup but I never will because I'm not a fucking matchmaker and I'm ok with that.

I've come to terms with the fact that I only attract Creepstars with an all time highscore of Creepstar status.

I have three stalkers. One looks like an Abercrombie model but God bless him he's still as annoying and creepy as he can be. No, dude, I'm not hooking you up with weed or girls. Try again.