I am still haunted.
These mornings that I find myself sitting awake until 4...5...6am...I think. I think so much that
it's killing me. I think about the what if's and the
why's...I think about what I could h
ave possibly done differently. I don't blame myself for her not being here anymore, it was her time...I get it. I blame myself for being an ungrateful brat that took her life for granted.
It's never a good day to be diagnosed with the most hateful, most relentless disease know to man...Cancer. Slow, painful...no cure...no mercy. Everyone suffers. It's never a good day to find yourself, yet again, in a hospital crying in the waiting room...begging, praying for good news from the latest episode. I was never prepared for losing her.
She was everything that I wanted to be when I grew up. She was kind, sweet, tender-hearted. She was a person that everyone should aim to be.
Until her very last moments she gave anything, everything she had to mak
e the ones around her happy. Even strangers. Even in Hospice she would offer her last meals up to whoever was hungry.
I am so ungrateful and I hate myself every single waking day for it...
I remember being that typical teenage kid going to the movies with grandma....I used to be so ashamed. She had such a hard time understanding how to simply ask for three tickets at the box office. America was never her native home...English was never her native language...I remember going to the pool and she would slap on this thick layer of sunblock so thick that her skin remained white from the lotion...and being embarrassed...who the hell am I to judge?
I remember getting my first cell phone and getting phone calls at least once a week right before I went to sleep from her...
Good night, Punkini, (yes I remember, that's what she called me) I love you so so much. You're going to have a great day tomorrow and I hope that I see you soon...
Sweet dreams, Punkini, I love you and I'm always so proud of you from everything you do.
Yes, yes. I remember. For almost three years I pushed those calls, those moments into the back of my mind so that I could stop hurting so much...so that I could actually be a peace and not cry anymore. She was so proud of her grandchildren and children. She loved so much that the very Earth was a better place when she lived. Days were sunnier, nights were filled with the brightest stars. She made the world a better place.
...and so here I am, again, crying to myself at 4am...wondering why she was taken from us. She hadn't even hit the age of 60 yet. I never understood why the good people we
re the ones that suffered the most in life.
I still have her picture up on my mirror. Just to remind myself who I want to model my life after.
I'm rambling on and on and I probably won't proof read this before posting because I don't want to read this ever again. I needed to get this heavy feeling off my chest and move on.
Ever lost someone close to you? It never EVER gets easier. Time doesn't heal this wound. You move on with life, sure, but when you think about it, you still cry. You still have that ache in your heart. You still miss that person more than anything in the entire world and you will never ever be able to forget or forgive yourself. At least I can't seem to get past it. I find myself venturing out to her grave site...sitting in front of her headstone and just weeping. She's not coming back. Why can't I get that through my head after all these years?
I'm not haunted by her memory...I'm haunted by myself. I'm stuck with myself at all hours of the day...stuck with my thoughts, memories...I'm being haunted by myself and I can't escape...
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