One day I'll be famous for something.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
The Way To My Heart
There are few people that have access to my heavily guarded heart. Here's a hint, give me a 4:24 mins like this and you can have it. I want my life to be this fun and this enjoyable. Why isn't it? Oh, right, I'm not awesome at banjo (and other various instruments) and I'm not Bluegrass enough.
Overheard at Work 7
As soon as I clock-in today a very excited middle aged man starts throwing gang signs and pretty much rapping to me YO YO GIRL! I gotta have it! I gotta have it! Gimmie a uh uh uh STAWW-BURRY GIRL GO GO GO! Dude, you're probably my favorite customer ever ever ever forever period.
What exactly do I say to a customer that asks me if I want to sing. Because I never ever do. But I feel obligated to be fake and say YEAH MAN...and also, what would happen if I started singing never gonna give you up, never gonna let you dowwnnnn would that throw you off?
Waffle is STILL not a size.
Why do you people always pick up the sample sizes and shake them in my face when you're telling me what size ice cream you want? I know what the sizes are. It's rude to bust up in here all in my face like yall are crazy.
Speaking of waffles, why is it when I ask if you want a waffle cone or a waffle bowl you just say yes? I'm giving you a choice, fool. Make the decision.
To the old man wearing the glasses things that have sunglasses that flip up...dude, you made me laugh so hard that I dumped almost an entire container of cinnamon on someone's ice cream. Stop looking so funny.
Please don't change your order whilst watching me make the original thing you ordered. That is so FUCKING annoying. Like your face. Your face annoys me. So does your mom.
I never understand why coming to get ice cream is a family reunion affair. I mean you brought your kids, your kid's kids, your mom, your grandparents, and your sad lonely uncle...then you give me everyone's order. I'm one person and I can make maybe two things at once. Shut up between orders so I don't forget what I'm making so you don't get pissed off at me making me pissed off at you. KTHNXBIE!
Friday, May 28, 2010
Overheard at Work 6
Ok so I need ideas...what should I name these notes, there's so many of them and I'm starting to repeat myself in the titles. Feedback.
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I get it. I'm fat and I work at an ice cream place. You don't have to ask me if I eat the ice cream all the time because I don't. I really don't. In fact, I rarely eat ice cream. I know, I know...If I worked here, I'd be in some trouble. All I'd do is eat eat eat yes, fatass...and if you ate ate ate, your ass would be fired. Order your ice cream and get out of my face please.
There's a lady that comes in almost every single time I work. She has a huge open wound on her chin that looks like an asteroid hit her face and is bubbling in the hole somewhere. Her teeth are more jagged than the rocks of the Grand Canyon........lady, must you always touch my hand? You ask for samples of the ice cream just so you can touch my hand. Your hand is clammy and you have warts on warts AND you're mean as mess. Go away please. I'm so politely grossed out by you. Also I don't mean to be mean, don't put a curse on me...
Why yes that's chocolate on my elbow. Thank you for noticing 11 million times.
LADIES, do NOT NOT NOT let your children pick ice creams and toppings. There's a line out the freakin door and I'm working alone. You can only go back and forth between gummy bears and sprinkles about 16 more times before I lose my shit.
It's also not ok to ask me to babysit your kids because I won't unless they're high school aged. Which won't happen.
When I ask you what I can get for you, don't say a million bucks, a vacation, and a nanny...I won't get those things and my fake smile is hard enough to maintain for 7hrs as it is.
This isn't Moe's. When I welcome you, don't retort with WELCOME TO MOES. I won't smile back.
I'm going to ask you who you're paying with and who all is in your group. You make my life shit when you say NAW NAW I DON'T KNOW THEM or I'M NOT PAYING FOR THEM...because when I ring you up, the joke isn't funny when you make me fuck your money up.
WAFFLE IS STILL NOT A FUCKING SIZE DON'T YOU LOOK AT ME IN THAT TONE OF VOICE WHEN I ASK YOU WHAT SIZE AND YOU NOD AT A WAFFLE LIKE I'M A STUPID IDIOT. WAFFLE. IS. NOT. A SIZE. IT ISN'T I'M NOT STUPID YOU ARE HOLY FALAFEL ON A STICK!
My hair isn't blonde. If you have blonde hair all over the damn place lookin like Buckwheat and you find a blonde hair in your ice cream and I'm the only one around making ice cream, chances are it's your hair. My hair is black. Please understand basic color theory.
For the love of Mary and Joseph. Don't cough on me. The sneeze guard is to block your breath. My head still looms above that boundary. Cover your mouth. GAH LEE!
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I get it. I'm fat and I work at an ice cream place. You don't have to ask me if I eat the ice cream all the time because I don't. I really don't. In fact, I rarely eat ice cream. I know, I know...If I worked here, I'd be in some trouble. All I'd do is eat eat eat yes, fatass...and if you ate ate ate, your ass would be fired. Order your ice cream and get out of my face please.
There's a lady that comes in almost every single time I work. She has a huge open wound on her chin that looks like an asteroid hit her face and is bubbling in the hole somewhere. Her teeth are more jagged than the rocks of the Grand Canyon........lady, must you always touch my hand? You ask for samples of the ice cream just so you can touch my hand. Your hand is clammy and you have warts on warts AND you're mean as mess. Go away please. I'm so politely grossed out by you. Also I don't mean to be mean, don't put a curse on me...
Why yes that's chocolate on my elbow. Thank you for noticing 11 million times.
LADIES, do NOT NOT NOT let your children pick ice creams and toppings. There's a line out the freakin door and I'm working alone. You can only go back and forth between gummy bears and sprinkles about 16 more times before I lose my shit.
It's also not ok to ask me to babysit your kids because I won't unless they're high school aged. Which won't happen.
When I ask you what I can get for you, don't say a million bucks, a vacation, and a nanny...I won't get those things and my fake smile is hard enough to maintain for 7hrs as it is.
This isn't Moe's. When I welcome you, don't retort with WELCOME TO MOES. I won't smile back.
I'm going to ask you who you're paying with and who all is in your group. You make my life shit when you say NAW NAW I DON'T KNOW THEM or I'M NOT PAYING FOR THEM...because when I ring you up, the joke isn't funny when you make me fuck your money up.
WAFFLE IS STILL NOT A FUCKING SIZE DON'T YOU LOOK AT ME IN THAT TONE OF VOICE WHEN I ASK YOU WHAT SIZE AND YOU NOD AT A WAFFLE LIKE I'M A STUPID IDIOT. WAFFLE. IS. NOT. A SIZE. IT ISN'T I'M NOT STUPID YOU ARE HOLY FALAFEL ON A STICK!
My hair isn't blonde. If you have blonde hair all over the damn place lookin like Buckwheat and you find a blonde hair in your ice cream and I'm the only one around making ice cream, chances are it's your hair. My hair is black. Please understand basic color theory.
For the love of Mary and Joseph. Don't cough on me. The sneeze guard is to block your breath. My head still looms above that boundary. Cover your mouth. GAH LEE!
I'm Sick as Shit of Racism
Now this isn't just about Cold Stone anymore...this is about every situation.
Ok, people this is 2010. Decades and decades after we finally call ourselves "equals". This is the time in which we all can gain the same rewards as one another. This isn't a place that frowning upon someone working so hard to serve you is ok.
I work just like everyone else. I work hard. I stand on my feet, smile, and display nothing but kindness and respect to you when I greet you at work. I will always maintain a sense of self control and respect when in public, and I will not act out of line.
Why is it so very difficult for you old fashioned white fuckers to just shed a smidge of respect in return. Have I cause you so much pain and suffering by greeting you and serving you your food with a smile. Is it offensive for me to exist in your world?
How about this, you stay the fuck home. If you can't handle the fact that not everyone in the world exists as a Caucasian then you stay the fuck home. People of every race exist and we all work the same damn jobs as you do.
Riddle me this...why in the fuck would I be standing before you in a public restaurant WORKING with the general public if I can't speak English? No one would hire someone to work in the public if they cannot understand and speak proper English in America.
I'm almost sick as shit of people coming into the store and avoiding my service because I'm not the same race.
IT'S ONLY SKIN DEEP!
Your skin is only several shades lighter than my skin. Does that make me unfit for you?
I'm so sorry that you are ignorant, but your stupidity will not stop me from working and getting my education.
I do hope you all know that the people that originally can call themselves TRUE north americans are Native Americans. Not a bunch of stupid ass ignorant racist white fuckers.
Get an education and get a life you assholes.
Ok, people this is 2010. Decades and decades after we finally call ourselves "equals". This is the time in which we all can gain the same rewards as one another. This isn't a place that frowning upon someone working so hard to serve you is ok.
I work just like everyone else. I work hard. I stand on my feet, smile, and display nothing but kindness and respect to you when I greet you at work. I will always maintain a sense of self control and respect when in public, and I will not act out of line.
Why is it so very difficult for you old fashioned white fuckers to just shed a smidge of respect in return. Have I cause you so much pain and suffering by greeting you and serving you your food with a smile. Is it offensive for me to exist in your world?
How about this, you stay the fuck home. If you can't handle the fact that not everyone in the world exists as a Caucasian then you stay the fuck home. People of every race exist and we all work the same damn jobs as you do.
Riddle me this...why in the fuck would I be standing before you in a public restaurant WORKING with the general public if I can't speak English? No one would hire someone to work in the public if they cannot understand and speak proper English in America.
I'm almost sick as shit of people coming into the store and avoiding my service because I'm not the same race.
IT'S ONLY SKIN DEEP!
Your skin is only several shades lighter than my skin. Does that make me unfit for you?
I'm so sorry that you are ignorant, but your stupidity will not stop me from working and getting my education.
I do hope you all know that the people that originally can call themselves TRUE north americans are Native Americans. Not a bunch of stupid ass ignorant racist white fuckers.
Get an education and get a life you assholes.
Overheard at Work 5
It's been a few days...
So why is it that when food or drink is involved, people tend to lose all ability to do math, read, or make simple decisions? I don't know if any of you have been in a Cold Stone, but the menu board is larger than my dorm room (heck even my own room at home), it isn't very difficult to read the HUGE NUMBERS on there that say how much your purchase will be. Not hard.
Give me the damn correct amount of change. I do not want to hit the $5 button just for you to hand me like 17 different variations of change.
It also pisses me off when you make me take your damn ice cream out of the cup that you WATCHED ME put it into just to say you want me to mix shit into it.
Also when I say that it's an extra quarter if you get another topping that usually means 25 cents. How difficult is it to add $.25 to $3 I mean really?
Let's get something straight, WAFFLE isn't a size. It never was. WAFFLE is a cinnamon flavored cone that we put your fucking ice cream into. You don't go to JcPenny and buy a WAFFLE sized shirt do you? Jesus Christ on a bike.
Another thing, the pen to sign your credit card receipt is in a cup in front of your fucking face. Why must you hand me the pen OVER TOP OF THE CUP just for me to basically climb across the counter to reach that damn cup? It's called common sense.
I would like you all to know that you cannot fathom the immensity of FUCK that I DO NOT give about the flavors you've tried before. Bragging to me about how you've gotten a large in every flavor we have just makes me think you're an unhealthy fat fucking slob. Truth.
Large groups that come in 1min before close, you're not cute when you admit that you're being annoying and making me serve you by myself because everyone else working is closing their section of the store. In fact, I stand before you wishing I could punt your face across the parking lot to Red Robin. Yum.
LASTLY
This is COLD STONE not WENDYS! If one more person comes in asking for a frosty or a burger I will literally pick up a cement truck and throw it through a window.
So why is it that when food or drink is involved, people tend to lose all ability to do math, read, or make simple decisions? I don't know if any of you have been in a Cold Stone, but the menu board is larger than my dorm room (heck even my own room at home), it isn't very difficult to read the HUGE NUMBERS on there that say how much your purchase will be. Not hard.
Give me the damn correct amount of change. I do not want to hit the $5 button just for you to hand me like 17 different variations of change.
It also pisses me off when you make me take your damn ice cream out of the cup that you WATCHED ME put it into just to say you want me to mix shit into it.
Also when I say that it's an extra quarter if you get another topping that usually means 25 cents. How difficult is it to add $.25 to $3 I mean really?
Let's get something straight, WAFFLE isn't a size. It never was. WAFFLE is a cinnamon flavored cone that we put your fucking ice cream into. You don't go to JcPenny and buy a WAFFLE sized shirt do you? Jesus Christ on a bike.
Another thing, the pen to sign your credit card receipt is in a cup in front of your fucking face. Why must you hand me the pen OVER TOP OF THE CUP just for me to basically climb across the counter to reach that damn cup? It's called common sense.
I would like you all to know that you cannot fathom the immensity of FUCK that I DO NOT give about the flavors you've tried before. Bragging to me about how you've gotten a large in every flavor we have just makes me think you're an unhealthy fat fucking slob. Truth.
Large groups that come in 1min before close, you're not cute when you admit that you're being annoying and making me serve you by myself because everyone else working is closing their section of the store. In fact, I stand before you wishing I could punt your face across the parking lot to Red Robin. Yum.
LASTLY
This is COLD STONE not WENDYS! If one more person comes in asking for a frosty or a burger I will literally pick up a cement truck and throw it through a window.
Overheard at Work 4
May 14, 2010
A man came into the store today and asked me if I was an Elon student. I told him no and went on to tell him I go to UNC ((meh, so what! I have rights to brag, nothing else in my life is even close to being cool enough to brag about))
When I told him my major and my hobbies he told me I was wasting a good education and that I needed to focus on more important things.
HOLD UP
First and foremost, I worked very hard to get where I am today, I study and I make sure I am a good "kid" like everyone expects and like I expect of myself. I got into a good college for a reason AND THAT REASON WAS BECAUSE UNLIKE YOUR STUPID KID I DIDN'T DROP OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL!
Secondly, music is found in every situation. During wars, on the news, while people vote, when people go to the mall, hell...music was even made during th holocaust under the noses of the Nazis!
Don't you tell me what I'm doing is unimportant. What YOU'RE doing is unimportant. You sit there at home shouting at me about my life choices!
When your grandchild is in my high school band or my college level music theory or music history course, I'll make sure to give you a call...
A man came into the store today and asked me if I was an Elon student. I told him no and went on to tell him I go to UNC ((meh, so what! I have rights to brag, nothing else in my life is even close to being cool enough to brag about))
When I told him my major and my hobbies he told me I was wasting a good education and that I needed to focus on more important things.
HOLD UP
First and foremost, I worked very hard to get where I am today, I study and I make sure I am a good "kid" like everyone expects and like I expect of myself. I got into a good college for a reason AND THAT REASON WAS BECAUSE UNLIKE YOUR STUPID KID I DIDN'T DROP OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL!
Secondly, music is found in every situation. During wars, on the news, while people vote, when people go to the mall, hell...music was even made during th holocaust under the noses of the Nazis!
Don't you tell me what I'm doing is unimportant. What YOU'RE doing is unimportant. You sit there at home shouting at me about my life choices!
When your grandchild is in my high school band or my college level music theory or music history course, I'll make sure to give you a call...
Saturday, May 15, 2010
HELP!
Ok, so I have a serious stalker. SERIOUS.
This guy (who shall remain unnamed) appears in my life out of nowhere. Now he won't go away. It started with fairly creepy Facebook chats, then grew to him sending me a message very frequently. One day, he MAGICALLY got my number and started texting me nonstop.
Now normally I would say, hey leave me alone but this guy is so creepy that I'm almost afraid to be mean to him. He's like that Dane Cook skit with the creepy guy at work that loses his shit and shoots everyone in the office (well maybe not a killer, but you get it)
My question to the world is HOW ON EARTH DO I LOSE THIS CREEPER!?
I've tried to be unappealing
I've tried to be nice
I've tried to pull the "I'm not interested" card
I've tried to stay busy
NOTHING IS WORKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
...help?
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