What Comes After?

Naturally I was indulging in some sweet sweet tunes by none other than Brand New (one of my all time favorite bands) and listening to the song Jesus Christ, I almost had a panic attack. The line Jesus Christ I'm not afraid to die, but I'm a little afraid of what comes after...scares the shit out of me...

Now, this is where the religion thing comes into play and me questioning things happens, so if you going to lecture me on how blah blah blah Jesus, God, blah...just do everyone a favor and don't.

I do think that I am religious, spiritually speaking...but I tend to overthink things. I tend to hear something and think about it...and dwell, and think, and pontificate and think think think think...

What does come after? Do I really believe that there is a kingdom in which I shall be rewarded for being a good person. Is there really a place that people go once judged by this divine being? Will I fall into the bowels of the Earth and burn for eternity for being horrible? My thing is this...if God forgives, why is there a Hell? Why would a person go to a place to suffer if Jesus died for our sins? Wouldn't all be forgiven if we repent?

My point isn't necessarily the distinction between Heaven and Hell and glory and suffering...I'm more focused on the actual death part of the end of days.

I'm not afraid to die, just like the lines in the song, I'm not. In fact, I feel that when my time comes, I'll be so ready to move onto different things that I'll go willingly with no pause. I'm more afraid of what comes after. My biggest fear is that of loss of thought. If the mind cannot think, the mind cannot remember, if I cannot remember or think, I do not exist. I guess in reality I'm actually afraid of not existing. The thought of just...not being there anymore mentally scares me. A body still exists. It lies in a casket peacefully as if sleeping. I've been to many a funeral and wake to know this.

Going to funerals scares me too. It's the fact that the person there, lain inside this casket doesn't exist mentally any longer. When a person loses that part of them, I fear it. Where does the mind go? Where?

I will never know my answers until my time comes...and I'm scared.